She wants to tear the word apart. Wants to tear herself apart. Hating what he's done to her, hating the way she can't let him go. Hunger doesn't register, sleep is a lost cause. Sweet memories dance round her head, distracting and destroying her.
She never wanted to feel like that, never wanted it to go that far. She can't take it. The angry red marks and swollen eyes prove it. Angry at herself, not willing to spare the emotion.
Panic attacks and too many cigarettes, coffee and vitamin water. She does her hair and make-up, makes sure she looks pretty, always wishing he'll be there at the end of the day.
But he never is.
One more joint, one more drink. More lines in her skin, more weight lost. She tried the dreaded E, something she would never have done before, but the boy was so sweet, offering her an escape. Held her hand when she needed to run, then sat in her elementary school playground with her.
Much too young, much too different. Changing little things to make her smile. Being nice to the cat because it used to be hers. Kisses on her shoulder-blades in the dark, his arms tight around her.
Another sweet distraction, taking her away from herself. If only she could do this forever.